Just Amazed!

I have been recovering from my Solu-medrol treatments. I have been weak in the tummy and tired and that always stinks but on the other hand! I have been spending a little more time with my FB friends. I realized after some of my friends started offering to send household things that they had laying around... things that I might need! That I had the best FB friends possible! God is amazing in how He places us all together! How He knows  who needs each other and who will serve each other!
Well this is just a short blog.... I was just struck by the LOVE and Generosity of the people that God has placed in my life!!!! Only God knows, who we need as friends! Only God knows who will encourage, lift us up and love us! I guess my point is...... Just another lesson learned, that God really truly does know what is best for us, even at times when He seems to not be available! He really is listening!

This Time of Year....

Well.... it has been a while since I blogged! After the loss of one of our rescue dogs, I just got swamped with emotional handbags,lol! To start off, I will tell you about the loss of our Anakin. He was a sweet pure black, chow/lab mix. Apparently, he wandered onto the neighbors property, who intentionally set out rat poison, to kill any dogs that came by! Our Anakin and several other neighbors dogs died. It was a great loss to our children, very emotional! We held Anakin, while he drowned in his own blood, it was terrible!
I have been trying to pull it all together but I keep getting hit by one thing after another! I am still sick as ever and the Holidays are here! I just had so much faith that my illness would at least settle down for my children's sake! Well, it's just not happening!
After finding out that I was having very bad reactions to the daily injections, my hope fell flat! The next step was to go to more harsh injections. I am so scared of that, I don't want to get any worse! Oh, and then my MS specialist lets me know that I have Primary Progressive MS! That means I am not going to improve! Just slowly get worse! Great, thats what I needed right now!.......
On the upside, I am discovering...... new, cutting edge treatments! Only they aren't covered by insurance, and some aren't done here in the U.S. yet! So... we are trying to raise funds for the treatments!.... Let me tell you all about the treatments we are trying to raise funds for! First off is Low Dose Naltrexone, it is used in higher doses to treat drug addictions. Unconventional, but does seem to be helping!!! The next is a really great treatment, showing great improvement in MS patients! It is called I.V.I.G., it is made from blood products and is very expensive! I believe that this treatment could help get me up and playing with my children again! .... That is my dream! The last is adult stem cell treatment! This also financially out of reach, and out of the country!....
 So, I don't usually, write about my life without sharing what I have learned through this, and I won't stop now! I have been an emotional wreck, and just trying to figure out,... NOT why God allowed me to get MS but why God hasn't healed me yet! I have been tearing myself up, wondering why I can't play with my children, why I can't make bread with my girls, why I can't just sit up in bed for the whole day and verbally participate in their, every day??????
God has been putting me through the fire! Why can't I surrender myself to not understanding why, for more than a couple months? Well, God, did answer that question! ...... I am HUMAN! Wow, that stinks! No matter how hard I try, I still eventually slip up! I can give it my all, but my all is never going to be good enough for My Lord! Yet, despite my failure,doubts and screw ups..... God has loved me through it all! When I thought He wasn't listening, He was holding me in His arms, I just refused to see Him! I refused to give Him the Glory for the comforting, soothing and peace, that He did give me!  My lesson...... is to open the eyes of my heart!..... I must see the blessings that God has given me, in all this mess! How many women, have 6 beautiful children who try so hard to care for them? How many women in my positions Know The Lord and love Him and except his gift of Love?...... Really, how can I be anymore blessed? What more do I deserve? Nothing..... I have all that makes me happy,..... my children, husband, salvation and my God!
Happy holidays to my friends! I hope everyone see the blessings of the Lord this time of year! I hope you all have a glorious Christmas and enjoy giving thanks to Jesus for coming to save us! I love you all!
Audra Lynn

The Mommy Blues!

Yesterday started out well! Like every other day, it was a little rocky at first but picked up the pace pretty fast! I had my children fed and they were well on the way to doing their school work! We got started and then I started a topic on my FB that generated a lot of attention so..... I was bantering back and forth with my cousin while keeping my children on task with school! Wow, I am impressed with myself at this point!..... I then saw an entry by one of my FB friends that works with stem cell research.  For those of you who do not know... I have been very sick with MS. I have know that they were researching it here in the US but on a small scale and only in strict studies that involved possibly getting the placebo and possible getting chemo!
I asked him if they were giving the straight treatment here yet and he said probably not for 10 years or so!......... At that point my heart dropped! See I have been using treatment but have had to stop due to side effects, not that the drugs were a sure thing anyway........... I am bed bound and using a wheelchair when I can! I feel like I have the flu, all..... day every day! My Body hurts so bad, that I can barely move it! I can't feel my feet/toes..... I sometimes can't feel my legs! My arms,hand and fingers go numb as well. The sharp pain that shoots through my body is like nothing I can explain.... and sometimes it feels like a vibration through my body! Like I am plugged in to an outlet!........ Head aches, kidney infections/stones, ect.... are nothing compared to the shear fatigue!...... So bad that I can sometimes barely hold my head up on my own! Other times I do well sitting up in bed! It is like Russian Roulette, you just never know!

Back to the stem cell treatment! I had just been waiting and waiting for it to be available to me, I feel like there is no other answer!..... I feel desperate, like God is saying.....GO GET THIS TREATMENT!..... Yet another 10 years, living like I am..... no I can't take it!.. Those of you who home school, will know of HSLDA, and one of their founders Christopher Klicka! He home-schooled and was father to 7 children and was a lawyer for HSLDA! I am sad to say he passed away a couple days ago from MS. It brought me straight down............ but I am not going to DIE from this disease!...................... I am not going to deteriorate anymore! I have a treatment and now I just have to obtain the treatment!..............
 My friend David offered to help me find the best place to go, out of the country! He let me know it would cost up to $24 grand for the treatment! I then bout had a heart attack!......... How on earth can I raise that much money... for my treatment, in another country, when I can't even pay the bills here in my home! My illness has caused such hardship on the family! Could I really ask my children and husband to support this effort when we have financial needs at home!uhhhhhhhhhh...............
I made mention on my fb.... How can I raise 24-30 grand to get treatment? Boy, the outpour of support and suggestions flooded in! Fund raisers, FB friend donations! I guess there are ways to raise it! I prayed and prayed and then The Good Lord allowed me to have another kidney stone,lol! I thought maybe that was my answer... I am a pain in the side!......... But by morning my prayers and those of all my FB family had settle deep into my heart! I knew what god was saying.
I now understand that I should stop feeling so guilty!!!! I did not do this, nor could I have prevented it! It is here for our learning and we have! I felt God acknowledge that it was time to move on!.... I felt great comfort in starting the raising of the funds and I trusted the peace God gave me about going out of the country for treatment!..... My family gave me peace and support about raising the funds as well. Not one of them complained that we had needs here first! All of them acknowledged that perhaps I could be as healthy as before!
I learned a lot in a 24 hour period! I learned that the US doesn't always have it right! I learned that I am truly not to blame and that I truly could not have prevented this! I also learned that, my family has learned a lot from all this. We have been hurt, cried, angry, ect....... But the love that goes into this all, is pure amazing down to my fb friends...... I have also learned that the internet is a great source of comfort at times! Most of all, I learned to just STOP................... in the quiet, and hear my God speak straight to my heart! He did, and I heard it,loud and clear! Now I am even more determined to get well, because God says so!........

Button, Button

Button, Button

Field Trip!

Wow, can't sleep so I figured what better to do than share todays blessings! Today was a day of exciting adventure..... meeting new friends and visiting the t.v. station KSAT! We arranged a tour and met 2 local home-school families there, that we had not met in person before! One mom had 2 sweet quiet children that were just a bit too shy to participate much but I can tell that they will get along very well with our children once we have more play days! Angela, the mom , is very positive, uplifted, excited! It was a pure joy to get to know her a bit better even though she pronounced my name wrong... I did not correct it because we were so busy with the tour! The other mom had her roommate and her 3 adorable children..... her 2 girls seemed adventurous and her son seemed reserved and quiet. I think the girls run the house over there,lol! Diana was also as I expected... very sweet and easy to be around! Just what we needed, new friends to have new adventures with!
Our trip to the station was a bit different than I had expected! It was an older building that smelled of mildew.... It was cramped and a bit hard to get around in the wheelchair but we made it! It was a special surprise to get to watch the weatherman actually do the weather live!.... My goofy mom disrupted him by taking flash photos during the live feed! We were so embarrassed.... He took it pretty well! He said "I forgot to mention no flash photos during live feed" and then continued "well, they will think it's lightening"! Praise God for humor....... The kids had fun learning how they put our news on T.V.!
I think the very best moment of the trip was when they wrapped my 5 year  old, Shepherd, in the "green" blanket.... in front of the green screen, and his little head was floating on the news screen! So cute so much fun! Also,my husband bumped a very important button with his caboose on the way out and Praise God, they tech guy fixed that pronto,lol!.............
The field trip was followed up by Grandma Sam treating our family to McDonalds! I can honestly say, though a very humble trip, nothing amazing(other than floating heads) I was so blessed just to get out of my home and breathe in the fresh air, while spending time with my beautiful family and new friends! I realized that not all trips have to be grand and elaborate...... Just being with loved ones, is enough for me!

Catching a Glimpse of My Reflection

Just the other day I was watching one of our dvd's, Little House on the Prairie, the newer version! I found my heart longing to travel back in time to an era that was SIMPLE! I have always been that friend that was a bit on the edge, both to my secular family and friends and our Christian family too. What do I mean "On the edge". Well, it's kinda funny..... Some say we think very old fashion and others say we are reformers, new age hippies! What ever you call us, we are just trying to live our lives in a manner that God would be pleased! Do I really want to go back in time and live prairie style, or do I just want to not be judged?
Judged... what does that mean? I wonder if even Christian folks realize when they are judging each other. An off look at the new family, that walks into church, you wonder why they think they are too good to send their children into children's church! A cross look at a misbehaving child at Walmart when he knocks into you!Oh... have I done that.. way too many rolled eyes from me.... Wondering how on earth that mom can allow her little girl to go out in public with messy hair? Or is it just the BIG judgments we should be worried about? Oh, they are a inferior denomination, Affairs, divorce, they voted for Obama, they vaccinate/don't vaccinate.... and on  and on.... What am I picky? Maybe my Idea of judgment is different than others. Perhaps I cut deeper to the core of the word, maybe I am more analytical than others. Am I judging them because I think I am a better judge,lol! Wow, my thoughts turn round and round.

I do know this. I love the simplicity of growing your own food, wearing conservative clothes that you have sewn with your own 2 hands, not wasting time,space and resources! I live in a tiny little 780 square foot house, with 8 people in it. Before I started thinking on this matter, I found myself wishing I had more house, more money, more things! Don't get me wrong, I still wish we could afford to live, but do I really want a bigger house so my family can spend more time apart from each other? Do I really need more things to fill my cabinets? Do I want more clothes to wash? WHEN... will my heart be content?.......To be very honest I truly do want another bathroom and we do have needs that are not yet being met. However, I have come to the conclusion that either 2009 or 1900 there were still judgmental people and needs that went unmet. What matters is that God decided when I would live and He has trusted me to give Him my all and let Him provide my blessings, not man!

I have come to the very real conclusion, that I have been blessed with more than most people see. Yes, they say" oh... 6 children, what a blessing!" However, do they cut to the core of the word like I have? Do they see that a confined space has created a closeness that most people never know! Perhaps they don't noticed that my babies have learned to take care of their momma, and put themselves after me (on most occasions). Perhaps they do not see that my husband,children and I have all learned that faith in God never reaches peak, it's a never ending ladder to climb! On the other hand, did God ever intend others to see and realize all blessings we see? Perhaps, some blessings are truly meant for our own learning!  Certainly some blessings are meant be observed and understood by others..... but I have learned in the last year. That some things, go unappreciated by others, some things are so real to you but not meant for others to be blessed by.

So, the other day I caught  a glimpse of my reflection, not in a mirror but in my mind. I was critical of myself wondering what others saw, what others could learn from me. A sense of urgency came over me..... what do I need to do to make it obvious to others what God is doing in my life! As quick as it came, that feeling left and was replaced with a sense of peace.... My God, my Father, at my time of need, came to my recsue without even a prayer! He replaced my own thoughts with His.... "Worry only what you look like to me" Wow, my ragged appearance suddenly became beautiful..........

If there is one thing I can hope my friends learn from me, it is to look to God not man as to what we should be!

A whole new world to me!

Well, this is the first of many to come, hopefully! I never understood what all this blog was about, and then one day, just recently, God said "BLOG"....... Naturally I had no idea of what to do! I have heard everyone and their sister has one, but I was clueless. Oh, and I am still clueless :)!
I guess this all goes back years but don't worry, I won't take you there all in one post! My husband and I are Christian and lean towards the conservative side. We have 6 children and we home-school them all. The oldest is 17 and the youngest is now 5. Boy, that will make you feel old!
About 2 years ago, my many on again off again, lifelong symptoms came to a crash, literally! My body just simply said, enough! I went on for a year with no diagnoses and no doctor serious about finding out what was wrong. Until, that one day... I woke up, and had no center vision in my right eye! I had been so sick with kidney stones and 104 fevers that I didn't even feel like going to another doctor, I just wanted to stay home in my bed with my children and die! Fortunately for me I have an abundance of love in tis little house and nobody here, was going to let me just fade off into the distance!  My husband bundled me up, and took me to the son of the previous doctor I had been seeing. Little did I know, that that would be the first day of a new life for me. The first thing out of the doctors mouth was "you need to see the eye specialist,TODAY" and he went and arranged it. Wow, I was shocked, I couldn't believe that the doctor was concerned about my health. I was used to being told, "nothing wrong".......
Well, the eye doctor found a problem with my optic nerve. "Optic Neuritis...." he said with a shocked look on his face,"it's rare!  You don't have MS do you?". My husband and I just looked stunned at each other, tears running down my face! All I could think of, is I am for sure gonna die now!....
That visit led me to a neurologist specializing in MS. After all the test,including a lumbar puncture that leaked, the answer was in! It is MS :(  By this time I had researched a found out I was probably not going to die from it and that it would just make me miserable all my life,lol! However, when the doctors explained that there is no know treatment for the disease, only for symptoms, I just about lost my mind!
Now, let me take you back to my home! There are 6 children that have been caring for their sick mommy waiting for good news, but it just has never come! My darling children have been up and down a rollercoaster ride that they don't want on! Yet, the grace that thee sweet children display everyday, overwhelms my every cell! My God has blessed me with little people in my life, that take care of me! Yet I feel like a failure.... I am supposed to care for them! Yes, that is my job description, MOTHER!
Well, it has been a year since the diagnoses, and many medications and failed treatments later, here I am sick, in bed, using a wheelchair! However, I no longer feel like a failure! Yes... my children have adapted to help care for me, but in the truest since, I am still caring for them! Every I love darling, every kissed boo boo, every wiped away tear! I am learning to take care of them with the abilities that The Lord has given me! I dare to say, that we have grown from it all! There are wounds, and boy will you hear more of them.... but our family has learned to grow, take new shape and yet still be who we are and serve God, happily! I will be sharing more soon. just wanted to introduce you to our family! We are glad you are here and we welcome you to our famliy!......