This Time of Year....

Well.... it has been a while since I blogged! After the loss of one of our rescue dogs, I just got swamped with emotional handbags,lol! To start off, I will tell you about the loss of our Anakin. He was a sweet pure black, chow/lab mix. Apparently, he wandered onto the neighbors property, who intentionally set out rat poison, to kill any dogs that came by! Our Anakin and several other neighbors dogs died. It was a great loss to our children, very emotional! We held Anakin, while he drowned in his own blood, it was terrible!
I have been trying to pull it all together but I keep getting hit by one thing after another! I am still sick as ever and the Holidays are here! I just had so much faith that my illness would at least settle down for my children's sake! Well, it's just not happening!
After finding out that I was having very bad reactions to the daily injections, my hope fell flat! The next step was to go to more harsh injections. I am so scared of that, I don't want to get any worse! Oh, and then my MS specialist lets me know that I have Primary Progressive MS! That means I am not going to improve! Just slowly get worse! Great, thats what I needed right now!.......
On the upside, I am discovering...... new, cutting edge treatments! Only they aren't covered by insurance, and some aren't done here in the U.S. yet! So... we are trying to raise funds for the treatments!.... Let me tell you all about the treatments we are trying to raise funds for! First off is Low Dose Naltrexone, it is used in higher doses to treat drug addictions. Unconventional, but does seem to be helping!!! The next is a really great treatment, showing great improvement in MS patients! It is called I.V.I.G., it is made from blood products and is very expensive! I believe that this treatment could help get me up and playing with my children again! .... That is my dream! The last is adult stem cell treatment! This also financially out of reach, and out of the country!....
 So, I don't usually, write about my life without sharing what I have learned through this, and I won't stop now! I have been an emotional wreck, and just trying to figure out,... NOT why God allowed me to get MS but why God hasn't healed me yet! I have been tearing myself up, wondering why I can't play with my children, why I can't make bread with my girls, why I can't just sit up in bed for the whole day and verbally participate in their, every day??????
God has been putting me through the fire! Why can't I surrender myself to not understanding why, for more than a couple months? Well, God, did answer that question! ...... I am HUMAN! Wow, that stinks! No matter how hard I try, I still eventually slip up! I can give it my all, but my all is never going to be good enough for My Lord! Yet, despite my failure,doubts and screw ups..... God has loved me through it all! When I thought He wasn't listening, He was holding me in His arms, I just refused to see Him! I refused to give Him the Glory for the comforting, soothing and peace, that He did give me!  My lesson...... is to open the eyes of my heart!..... I must see the blessings that God has given me, in all this mess! How many women, have 6 beautiful children who try so hard to care for them? How many women in my positions Know The Lord and love Him and except his gift of Love?...... Really, how can I be anymore blessed? What more do I deserve? Nothing..... I have all that makes me happy,..... my children, husband, salvation and my God!
Happy holidays to my friends! I hope everyone see the blessings of the Lord this time of year! I hope you all have a glorious Christmas and enjoy giving thanks to Jesus for coming to save us! I love you all!
Audra Lynn